I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3am…
I am the fingernail that scrapes the blackboard of your soul…
I am a special news bulletin that interrupts your favorite show…
I am… obviously out of my trademark blue smoke.
I am the termite that devours your floorboards…
I am the surprise in your cereal box…
I am the headache in the criminal mind…
I am the raspberry seed you can’t floss out…
I am the onion that stings in your eye…
I am the scourge that pecks at your nightmares…
I am the hairball that clogs your drains…
I am the low ratings that cancel your program…
I am the auditor that wants to look at your books…
I am the slug that slimes your begonias…
I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair…
I am the itch you cannot reach…
I am the smoke that smokes smoked oysters…
I am the jailer who throws away the key…
I am the ten dollar service charge on all returned checks…
I am the sandtrap on the fairway of evil…
I am the sourball in the candyjar of goodness…
I am the grade curve that gives you an F…
I am the fast food that comes back to haunt you…
I am the neurosis that requires a $500 an hour shrink…
I am the wierdo that sits next to you on the bus…
I am the bug that splatters on your windshield…
I am the spider who naps at your neck…
I am the combination lock on the vaults of justice…
I am the icky bug that crawls up your trouser leg…
I am the pin that will burst your bubble…
I am the bubble gum that clings to your shoe…
I am the repairman who tells you your warranty has run out…
I am the cat that lays kittens in your bed…
I am the switch that derails your train…
I am the paper cut that ruins your morning…
I am… feeling really stupid. Boy, I hate it when I’m early. You’d think criminal masterminds would be more punctual.
I am the weed whacker in the garden of evil…
I am the moth that seeks your porchlight…
I am the lollipop that sticks in your hair…
I am the rhinestone on the jumpsuit of justice…
I am the flea you cannot flick…
I am the stain that CAN’T be rubbed out…
I am the peanut butter that sticks to the roof of your mouth…
I am the cholesterol that clogs your arteries…
I am the single career man all women want to date…
I am the check writer in the Cash Only line…
I am the zit that forms when you’ve got a really big date…
I am the secret center of a cherry candy-pop…
I am the electrician who short-circuits the power lines of crime…
I am the parking meter that expires while you shop…
I am the pit bull that bites the ankle of crime…
I am the shnowzer that digs up your petunias…
I am the soapscum that limes your bathtub…
I am the hair ball that clogs your drain…
I am the shopping cart that mixes your paint job…
I am the eraser that rubs out the typos of crime…
I am the terrier that nips at your shoelaces…
I am the blown fuse that blacks you out…
I am the butter that burns in your pan…
I am the itch in your trigger finger…
I am the cold sore that stings your lip…
I am the hair in the lens of your projector…
I am the badly photoshopped Michael Cera you see every day…
I am the scourge that… pecks at your… well your nightmares…
I am the pustulent blister that bursts in your boot…
I am the metal key on the sardine can of justice…
I am the widget missing from the easy-to-assemble swingset…
I am the editor that cuts your scene… I am the burnt-out bulb you cannot reach…
I am the spinach that sticks to your teeth…
I am the cat that somebody let out of the bag…
I am the cotton swab that gets stuck in your ear…
I am the plot twist in the second reel…
I am the flea on your parrot…
I am the heimlich maneuver for the choking victims of crime…
I am the ghost of a chance that you don’t have…
I am the muddy shoes that track the linoleum of crime… I am the yo-yo that keeps coming back…
I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime…
I am the top root that clogs your pipes…
I am the editor that leaves you on the cutting room floor…
I am the check that overdraws your account…
I am the low point on your signwave…
I am the limestone that petrifies your bones…
I am the awkward goodbye that lasts for far too long…
I am the upvote you withhold to be a petulant dick…
I am Darkwing Duck!!!